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2012-05-25
Facebook Posting Explained In One Graph
Fri, 25 May 2012 21:33:13 +0000
We just did some official statistical research about Facebook and compiled this interesting but mathematically precise graph that finally explains why every post in your Facebook feed is from someone you don’t care about: That explains SO MUCH. I knew that 7-month factfinding statistical survey would pay off – that dude from my Level 1 improv class’ baby got so big in that time. NEXT STUDY: “Seriously, Where’d That Sh*t On My Timeline Go?”Read more...
Drug Dealer Somehow Arrested After Taking Photo Of Himself With Cocaine In His Mouth Wearing A Money Crown
Fri, 25 May 2012 19:52:20 +0000
So, what’s the dumbest photo of YOU on Facebook? I’ll bet it’s pretty dumb, but not quite as dumb as this photo of Ayub Hagos, a reported drug dealer in Britain who was arrested for heroin and crack possession, plead not-guilty, then changed his plea after police found a number of photos on his phone of Hagos holding a bag of cocaine in his mouth and fanning 20-Pound-Notes while wearing a crown of money: According to Splash News: “Ayub Hagos took the photo of himself on his mobile phone along with other images including piles of cash, guns, knives and white powder.” He also had several photos of him flexing his abs in the mirror with heroin lining the cracks of his six-pack, and emailed 34 d*ck pics to various girls with the words “I AM SMOKING CRACK RIGHT NOW” drawn on his shaft along with an arrow pointing upwards at himself at a bunch of crack he’s holding. Long story short, I’m no longer embarrassed of that one Facebook pic where I’m slightly squinting and look a little stupid. (Full Disclosure: I am still super embarrassed of every Facebook pic ever taken, I just lied briefly to complete that joke)Read more...
Adam Reposa Is Just A Great Lawyer And Patriot
Fri, 25 May 2012 15:02:59 +0000
Here’s an “ad” for a “lawyer” and “person” named Adam Reposa, a self-proclaimed “Lawyer, Patriot and Champion” (Legal triple-threat!) The ad figuratively and literally kicks the sh*t out of any actual local lawyer commercials you’ve ever seen (besides possibly these people – rawr!) He isn’t just going to trial, he’s putting THE WHOLE SYSTEM on trial, and by “the whole system” we mean some dude’s car window and by “putting it on trial” we mean kicking: Ehhh, not sure he’s committed enough. Think I’ll just hire these handsome devils. (via Videogum)Read more...
50 Celebrity Names That Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters
Fri, 25 May 2012 00:03:47 +0000
New Party Game! In apropos of nothing, we’ve spent the last two days coming up with Celebrities Whose Names Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters – meaning, actors, musicians, athletes, and other famous people whose real-life names contain some combination of fantasy-ness, pseudo-ethnicity, and juuust-slightly-offitude worthy of a bonafide Westeros inhabitant. Here are our favorite 50 Celebrity Names That Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters, along with descriptions of who their names would be on the show (not who they’d be, just the names), ranked from 50 to 1 in order of Game Of Throneyness. Leave your own suggestions in the comments – we stupidly can’t get enough of these: 50. Baz Luhrmann Director of Moulin Rouge; Shifty mage apprentice to the warlock Pyat Pree 49. Jurnee Smollet Played Jess on Friday Night Lights; Homely Winterfell commoner who attracts Theon’s affections 48. Joaquin Phoenix Star of Gladiator and Walk The Line; Standard-Bearer of House Feynix (Season 5) 47. Alastair Fothergill Producer of Planet Earth and Disney’s Chimpanzee; Decorated Royal Guard of the southern village Gander’s Tooth 46. Paz De La Huerta Boardwalk Empire actress; Wildling who got naked as I was typing this 45. Pau Gasol Lakers forward; Unruly Dothraki dissident 44. Regina Spektor Singer-songwriter; Female ranger nicknamed “The Spektor” because she can move silently and all GoT words need to be one letter off 43. Benedict Cumberbatch Star of Sherlock; Night’s Watch deserter turned olive farmer 42. Tyler The Creator Rapper and producer; Deluded Iron-Throne seeker full of magical boasts 41. Takeo Spikes Veteran NFL linebacker; Scheming emerald-alchemist in Qarth’s “Shadow Area” 40. Adrien Brody Star of The Pianist and King Kong; One of Robert Baratheon’s secret bastards with a heart of silver 39. Kanye West Rapper/Producer/Tweeter; Noble-born southern youth who longs to join The Opal Swordsmen 38. Damon Albarn & Graham Coxon Members of Blur; Incognito arrowhead-thieves operating under the Brotherhood Without Banners 37. Coco Chanel Fashion designer; Sassy direwolf 36. Jordany Valdespin New York Mets utility infielder; Wise but surly candlemaker of the Pyke village 35. Jackson Rathbone Jasper from the Twilight movies; Known simply as “Rathbone,” his grey magic threatens to confuse the Starks 34. Gore Vidal Author and political activist; Deceased former captain of the king’s guard whose likeness graces the Shrine Of The Guardade Unblinking 33. Aidan Quinn Veteran character-actor; Killed and fed to his Night’s Watch companions after looking near Craster’s daughters 32. Dweezil & Ahmet Zappa Multitalented sons of Frank Zappa; Dothraki slaves who may be Daeny’s only hope for navigating The Sea Of Legless Manys 31. Andrew Bird Musician; Bran’s pet raven 30. Emma Stone Starred in The Help and Superbad; Enchantress who once possessed the coveted Rib Of Thwain 29. Djimon Honsou Co-star of Gladiator and Blood Diamond; Red Waste trader who’s willing to open his caravan to Daenerys…for a price 28. Les Moonves President of CBS; Stark-loyal King’s Guard exiled by Joffrey to the remote Marshes of Sparrowmoss 27. Emeril Lagasse Celebrity chef; Knight of House Bamme 26. Idris Elba Star of The Wire and numerous films; Only jouster in King’s Landing who’s never lost in the Thirdmoon’s Melee 25. Bear Grylls Star of Man vs. Wild; Gruff giant who Arya dreams of killing 24. Dov Charney American Apparel founder; Incorruptible eunuch-soldier of Storm’s End 23. Hugo Weaving Co-star of The Matrix and Lord Of The Rings; Eyeless thief with an endless knowledge of arboreal mythology 22. Ethan Hawke Star of Dead Poets Society and Training Day; Virtuous fruiter’s cousin who falls for Arya 21. Adele Musician; Stannis’ semi-magical companion who is constantly stirring a cauldron 20. Jair Jurrjens Atlanta Braves pitcher; Half-Dothraki offspring whose hidden heritage is punishable by death twice 19. Ronaldinho Brazilian soccer player; Daenerys follower betrayed while betraying Daenerys 18. Sparrow James Midnight Madden & Harlow Winter Kate Madden Children of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden; Rightful heirs to the throne at Maddonblayze 17. Jrue Holiday Philadelphia 76ers point guard; Lannister cousin whose name is almost ‘Drew’ 16. Crispin Glover Back to the Future co-star; Plays himself 15. Goran Visnjic ER co-star; Drawn and quartered for ice-treachery in the court at Dragonstone 14. Griffin Goldsmith Drummer for Dawes; Legendary sharpshooter of the Iron Islands wielding “The Crossbow Of Unmissing” 13. Imogen Poots Co-star of 28 Weeks Later and Fright Night; Crafty hay merchant’s daughter determined to seduce Jorah Mormont 12. Bjork Icelandic singer; Court Jester at The Eyrie who secretly controls Robin Arryn with an ancient Brainage spell 11. Landon Pigg British singer; Samwell Tarly’s fatter, clumsier Night’s Watch companion 10. Tarkan Turkish Singer; Xaro’s pet wrathtiger 9. Sybelle Silverphoenix Actress and model; Jeor Mormont’s stowaway mistress who boasts she can “out-halberd any male Ranger” 8. The Edge U2 guitarist; Rival of The Hound, The Mountain, and The Big 7. Eliza Dushku Appeared in Buffy, Angel, and many films; Cleric of Sand’s Equinox, the most chill city in the Red Waste 6. Kal-El Cage Son of Nicolas Cage; Least docile Dothraki horse 5. Moon Bloodgood Terminator: Salvation co-star; Prophet-disciple of Walthqynn, The Ancient God of Butts and Grain 4. Lark Voorhies Lisa from Saved By The Bell; Disgraced Targaryen war-champion whose name, if mentioned, is punishable by ratbucket 3. Fedor Tyutin Columbus Blue Jackets defenseman; Night’s Watch disciple of Qhorin Halfhand and avid fingerer 2. Fairuza Balk Co-star of The Craft and American History X; Season 4 is just 10 episodes of her f***ing a dude made out of fire 1. Agyness Deyn English fashion model; So Game Of Thrones-sounding, the series is revealed to have been her dream the whole time Honorable Mentions (Too on-the-nose to actually be on the show): Wolf Blitzer, Armie Hammer, Dick Wolf… Got some more? Leave them in the comments – this game, like Game Of Thrones, should go on literally forever. (Thanks to Liz Black, Lauren Olson, and Nate Kushner for saying names to me then us laughing for the last two days) (P.S. – The descriptions are nonsensical, no need to try to figure them out / correct me that ‘Gander’s Tooth’ is not a place / read them at all)Read more...
New Dark Knight Rises Banners Are So Great, I Might Go See The Dark Knight Rises Now
Thu, 24 May 2012 20:33:47 +0000
Still not sure if you should go see the next installment of the best series of movies ever that will invariably break box office records regardless of what viral promotions occur online between now and July 20th (in my Google Calender since the day I got my phone)? Good news! The Dark Knight Rises just released four new super-detailed banners, and they’re awesome (Click for Very Very Large Version): You can check out the other three equally-great posters over at CHUD. As for whether or not I’m gonna go see The Dark Knight Rises, I don’t know, I’m still on the fence. Maybe if Papajohns.com comes out with a kick-ass Android “Splat The Bat!” minigame I’d consider it?Read more...
This Roy Halladay Bobblehead Is The Worst Bobblehead Ever Made
Thu, 24 May 2012 19:05:41 +0000
We’ve seen some sh*tty bobbleheads in the past, but this recently-recalled bobblehead of Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay is just on another level of hilarious/confusing badness. Take a look and give it a second, then go “zuwhaa?”: Forget the fact that it doesn’t look like Roy Halladay or that Halladay throws right-handed and this thing is holding the ball with its left – those are AMATEUR sh*tty bobblehead mistakes. What really makes this one exceptional is the fact that regardless of his handedness, NO ONE IN BASEBALL EVER DOES THIS IN A GAME EVER. Why is he winding up the opposite way of where he’s throwing (With his wrong hand)? They’ve been making Bobbleheads for like 80 years (ever since that President Taft bobblehead, which was just President Taft), clearly they understand how baseball throwing operates – how did this one turn into some frickin’ M.C. Escher impossible-figure? Speaking of which, do they make M.C. Echer bobbleheads? Cause if not, I’ve got 900,000 high school geometry teachers who are about to mail me their cash. (via Zoo With Roy)Read more...
Happy Birthday Bob Dylan, From Dewey Cox
Thu, 24 May 2012 16:46:45 +0000
May 24th is Bob Dylan’s birthday (happy 71st, person whose music I’ve heard!), but rather than bore you with the obligatory internet “The 71 Greatest Dylan Songs For Star Wars Boobs” list, here’s our favorite 1-minute Dylan parody/homage ever: The very deep Bob Dylan ripoff song from the movie Walk Hard: You’ll be missed, Bob Dylan. In heaven, we mean, as long as you continue to be alive, which is good!Read more...
Hugging Cat: The Next Step In Cat Technology
Thu, 24 May 2012 16:11:15 +0000
Cats have a reputation for being standoffish little teddy bears, happy to watch you choke to death on a toaster strudel then use your face as a day bed. But a cat that hugs? My god, now we’re finally getting somewhere. If only our nation’s scientists can tackle the numerous other Cat Flaws that plague our modern pets, like: Throwing up perfectly good food for no reason. Having needles on the end of their paws/in their mouths. Being made out of dust and hair that closes off some people’s lungs. The whole…pooping-in-a-box situation You’ve filled America’s hearts with hope, Hugging Cat. Your kind be wearing little tuxedos and riding around in our baby carriages yet! (Jezebel)Read more...
New Ketchup Bottle Technology Minimizes Amount Of Time Spent Not Eating Ketchup
Thu, 24 May 2012 15:12:21 +0000
Look at that sludgy goo go! Ready your fried potato bits and various salty meats for MIT’s LiquiGlide, “a ‘super-slippery’ coating which makes the insides of the bottle so frictionless that the sludgy goo inside just slides out like water.” Thank god! Ketchup basically is my water at this point. I eat so much ketchup, sometimes I look down and realize that the substance I thought I was drinking isn’t water after all, but actually a tall glass of ketchup. Now I can shave seconds off my ketchup consumption. Thank you, science! If you could work on some kind of cure for my diabetes next, that would be banging! (ViralViralVideos)Read more...
This Fake Brooklyn Restaurant Menu Is The Best Thing Ever Made
Wed, 23 May 2012 23:44:26 +0000
I have nothing to add to these fake menus for a restaurant called “FUDS” – this may just be the funniest thing I have ever seen. Click the pic below to check it out (language NSFW): Seriously, check it out now. I have nothing else to add, it’s perfect. (via @danklein_is_fat)Read more...